The Boca Beagle

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossiblefor the older generation to understand his generation."You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said,"You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so weinvented them! What are you doing for the next generation??"

Census taker: How many children do you have?Woman: Four.Census taker: May I have their names, please?Woman: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.Census taker: Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?Woman: Because we didn't want any Mo.

one of the most successful inventors of all time was the man who invented the hay-bailing machine.

He made a bundle.

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double pane energy efficient kind. But today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He didn't call back. Guess I won that stupid argument.
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This Should Explain It All...
A lot of folks can't understand
how we came to have

an oil shortage here in our country.

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Well, there's a very simple answer.

~~~

Nobody bothered to check the oil.

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We just didn't know we were getting low.

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The reason for that is purely geographical.

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Our OIL is located in

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ALASKA

~~~

California

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Coastal Florida
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Coastal Louisiana
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Kansas
~~~

Oklahoma
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Pennsylvania

and

Texas

~~~

~~~

Our

DIPSTICKS

are located in

Washington DC

Any Questions?

1. Hit the cat on the head with a hammer.
2. Stuff the pill down the throat of the dead cat.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cats head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.

Rum Cake


Before you start, sample the rum and check for good quality.

Now select a large mixing bowl, measuring cups, spatula, etc. (Check that rum again for quality. It must be just right! Try it again.)

With an electric beater, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one tsp. bugar and seat again. (Meanwhile, make certain that rum is of best quality.)

Add two large leggs and two dups of cried fruit and beat until very high. If fruit gets stuck in the heater....err...beater, pry it out with a screwdriver. (Sample rum again, checking for consistency.)

Next, shhift in three (2) cups of paking bowder and add a pinch of rum, one seaspoon of soda and one cupa papper...(or maybe salt?) Anyway, don't fret, just taste that rum again. Good stuff.

Next, shift in a half pint of lemon juice, fold in chopped buttermilk and strained nuts. Sample rum again.

Now, one bablespoon srown sugar, or whatever color is around. Mix. Well.

Grease your oven and turn cake pans to 359F. Now, pour the whole mixture into the oven

On second thought, forget the oven, pitch the cake and check the rest of the rum.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with.
But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free....... You either married it or gave birth to it.

by Arthur Guiterman

When Noah, perceiving 'twas time to embark,
Persuaded the creatures to enter the Ark,
The dog, with a friendliness truly sublime,
Assisted in herding them, two at a time.

He drove in the elephants, zebras and gnus
Until they were packed like a boxful of screws.
The c*t in the cupboard, the mouse on the shelf,
The bug in the crack; then he backed in himself.

But such was the lack of available space,
He couldn't tuck all of him into the place;
So after the waters had flooded the plain
And down from the heavens fell blankets of rain.

He stood with his muzzle thrust out through the door
The whole forty days of that terrible pour!
Because of which drenching, zoologists hold,
The nose of a healthy dog always is cold!